Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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