so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
