When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
