so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize