so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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