Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
