i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
