***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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