you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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