sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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