So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
