woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize