I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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