Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm at about main and main street
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
