did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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