i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
