she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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