what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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