we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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