can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Randomize
