I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
