Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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