My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
