Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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