This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
