dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
