He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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