i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
