I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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