Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
