Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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