and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
only you would photoshop your dick
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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