Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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