My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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