She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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