The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
