Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
