I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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