I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
