You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
