am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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