Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
