I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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