also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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