I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
