you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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