ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
