the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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