she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
