A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
