then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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