like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
