oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize