if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
