the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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