life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
