You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
