My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
