just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
