Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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