saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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